In 2017, I found out my (then) partner of 2 years had been cheating on me for months.
He begged me not to tell my friends or family because they "didn't understand me like you do" and he "was in a really bad place because of childhood wounds" and "would probably hurt himself" if I left him.
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TRANSLATION?
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I want you to keep this a secret so our friends won't know and I won't have to be held accountable for my actions and deal with those consequences.
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Plus, by making you feel responsible for my mental and physical wellbeing, you'll feel a sense of obligation to help me and see that I didn't really meant to do it but something else pushed me to do it.
I stayed with him for another 2 years.
And those were probably the hardest 2 years I've had to go through...
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constantly playing tug-of-war with myself...
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doubting my own intuition...
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and feeling like I didn't really have a right to be upset as I watched our friends interact with him normally and tell us how great of a couple we were.
Only a few of my close friends knew, but as much as they tried to tell me to leave, his excuses of "this is what made me realise I actually love you and can't live without you" made me not only stay with him...
but also made me withdraw from my friends.
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It wasn't until I started opening up to them about the things that happened between us that I realised how much I was manipulated.
And I became angry.
ANGRY that he would constantly suggest I should get back into dance training because I had put on some weight...even right after we were physically intimate.
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ANGRY that he was $exting someone not even a week after I had first found out that he cheated, with his excuse being that we were in limbo because I hadn't told him whether I wanted to stay or leave yet.
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ANGRY that when I told him I wanted to learn astrology, he asked me to tell his bosses at hospital that I did a more "acceptable" job so I wouldn't affect his reputation.
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ANGRY that whenever I would talk about things that triggered me while I was actively trying to heal from what he did, he would exasperatedly ask me to stop because he didn't want to be reminded of how much he upset me.
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ANGRY that after 4 years together and telling me what he did made him realise he loved me, he still couldn't tell me if he truly loved me or not because... "sometimes I do and sometimes I don't".
But most of all?
I was angry at myself for saying "okay" to all of that. For putting up with so much bullsh*t.
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That anger turned into shame, into hiding away those parts of me that had felt so violated, not wanting anyone to see how blind I was to everything that was going on, wanting to make myself appear strong and unfazed.
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And yet as I began to open up to my trusted nearest and dearest...
slowly, slowly, slowly...
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I started to find the inner strength, power and pieces of me I thought I had lost...
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to stand up and share this story - my story - my full story...
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and to eventually align with the empowered version of myself that I needed to be to finally meet...
the love of my life.
Someone who thinks about me and takes care of me in ways I didn't even know was possible.
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Someone who effortlessly reassures me every day of the love and commitment we share.
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Someone who understands and treasures the connection that's embedded into the very depths of our soul.
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Someone who makes me feel empowered and respected in my own body and my own essence.
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Someone who isn't afraid to show the whole world how proud he is of me and what I do.
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And someone who can still call me out on my sh*t and pushes me to evolve into an even better version of myself.
And that's why I'm so passionate about what I do.
Because I've been there, feeling the crushing power of the hurt, the betrayal, the guilt, the shame...
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learning to dance with the waves of grief flooding my soul and cracking my heart open...
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transforming through my pain to embody my highest calling, my soul mission...
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TO HOLD SPACE FOR YOUR PAIN, YOUR DEEPER TRUTHS, YOUR DEEPER TRANSFORMATION.
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TO HELP YOU HEAL AND EMBRACE THE PARTS OF YOU THAT YOU THOUGHT WERE LOST.
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TO SUPPORT YOU THROUGH THE WOUNDS OF YOUR PAST, INTO YOUR HIGHEST POTENTIAL.
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TO GUIDE YOU TO THE DEEP, VULNERABLE LOVE AND INTIMACY YOU DESIRE.
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TO HELP YOU LOVE YOU - ALL OF YOU.
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